a brief history of fear...
A short time back, a friend postulated that most people live their lives in fear, meaning that the driving factor behind most people's actions and decisions is the things that they fear. This prompted me to investigate the evolution of fear in my own life...1980 - A wolf/man-like figure who, in recurring vivid dreams, would chase me in a UFO across fields in the dark.
1981 - The man outside the window, watching. The parents who didn't believe my brother and I.
1982 - Three weeks with a seemingly-wicked but well meaning aunt who tried to teach me manners, enunciation and etiquette only found in English manors and boarding houses.
1983 - Living without my parents for the first time, shifting around from baby-sitting family to family, and different schools for extremely short periods of time.
1984 - Not being able to make my mother's grief go away.
1985 - More of same.
1986 - The man in the Wendouree Village Shopping Mall washroom, thwarted only by the entrance of another man.
1987 - First awareness of sexuality.
1988 - Best friend moves away and the sense of being alone. First sexual experience with same gender - fear of what that meant.
1989 - Having to choose a new school.
1990 - New school. The 1.5 hour bus trip each way with Damian Fitzgerald and the Sinnott Boys, daily fear. Fear of Physical Education class!
1991 - Alienation at school. Brief expulsion to the "Smoker's Corner".
1992 - Fear of hellfire and brimstone for feelings of same-gender lust.
1993 - More of same. Fear of what the church and bible say about it all. Fear of anyone finding out.
1994 - First sexual experience with a woman, almost getting caught by her Dad, more hellfire & brimstone fears.
1995 - Being uncontrollably sick, having final exams, being hospitalized, feeling like my whole future is over. Not wanting to break the heart of or become distant from one of the greatest people who ever lived.
1996 - Starting university. First adventures on Melbourne gay scene. Fear of accepting myself. Fear of the wrath of God.
1997 - Being unable to "save" my schizophrenic, manic-depressive friend. Fear of falling to pieces myself in the process of "saving" someone else.
1998 - Finishing university, no experience = no job.
2000 - Moving to Sydney. Fear of making the wrong decision, fear of change.
2001 - Realizing that I have to leave my partner because he is a jerk. Brief exile to Traralgon. Learning to be alone again. All things September 11.
2004 - Leaving for Canada. The prospect of returning to Australia. Fear of settling back into the same box, fear of others expectations that I will do the same.
Its strange that when I take account of fear, just how enormous the role is that it plays in my life. How does one go about dealing with fears? How do you identify fear as a motivating factor and deal with it so that it doesn't control your life?
Its disturbing, not only to look at the role of fear in my life, but to consider the way it works in others and for the way in which they respond to it, often controlled by their own fear.
I am left with one circling thought...is it possible to fear fear? Certainly it must be, didn't someone famous in history say that the only thing to fear, was fear itself?
Hmmmm...If you can control fear, you've won the game!
posted by gone2canada @ 1:19 p.m.
Comments: 1
