the power of goodbye...

I just said goodbye to a close Vancouver friend who is moving to Calgary.

It's got me thinking about goodbyes and what they mean to me.

Goodbyes where I am the one leaving are generally not difficult. Coming to Canada was a relatively easy goodbye. It enabled me to leave a relatively short-term relationship that was stifling me, and all my friends were like, "Go for it. Yay for you".

There was a time when I said goodbye from Melbourne, when I was bound for Sydney to live for a time, all my belongings packed up in the back of the car. That was a tough goodbye. I remember crying for the first 3 hours of the trip to the state border. I remember the look on my friend's face as we drove off, both of us in tears. A sense of loss.

For some reason, the feeling I have today, saying goodbye to my friend as she leaves is strangely reminiscent of that day I left Melbourne for Sydney. I feel like my heart has been torn out. It would be selfish to beg someone to stay when the essence of their being is drawing them to another place. To another world.

I know how it feels to be in a place that you don't belong, to have another place calling you near. I had that feeling before I came to Canada. From the moment I had the first thought of traveling to Canada, I knew that it was where I was meant to be. At least for this period of time. I remember an overwhelming sense of making the right decision to go to Canada as I sat by the ocean in Australia. It was after-all, confirmed by a pod of whales that appeared in the ocean at the very moment of my Canadian inspiration. I think my friend has had a similar experience in confirmation.

We had lunch just now. I could think of nothing to say, except "Don't go." I tried my earnest to be happy, to not make it a big good-bye, but a "See you soon" moment. To make it a "Good for you. Yay for you. I am so happy that you are following your heart and your dreams." This is all true.
I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of a "Don't go." so there is no way I would say that.
The reality is that I am only here for a few more months and then I leave Vancouver too.

So now I am filled with self-analysis. Why do I have these moments of extreme clingyness? Does everyone experience these kinds of feelings? As someone who regularly says good-bye to others as I leave places, why do I have so much trouble letting others go from my world? How selfish of me to be okay with goodbyes on my terms, but feel so gutted with goodbyes on others terms?

Perhaps it's because many people come into my world, but so few are truly inspirational people. The friends in my inner sanctum are these kinds of people. The kind of people who give me far more than I could ever give them. The kind of people who cheer me on, when I go off on my crazy whims. The kind of people I can reveal deep and inner thoughts to without any reservation, as though I were just discussing the weather or what I'd like for dinner. The kind of people who make me a better person.

I am so lucky to have so many people in my world who I can call good friends.

I hate goodbyes. But it will be okay tomorrow. Or the next day. Certainly by the one after that.
I hope.

13 sleeps to go....

posted by gone2canada @ 1:16 p.m. Comments: 0