on my way to somewhere...

What I've been thinking about this week...

2007-08-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

"The authentic self is the you that can be found at your absolute core.

It is the part of you that is not defined by your job, or your function, or your role.

It is the composite of all your unique gifts, skills, abilities, interests, talents, insights, and wisdom.

It is all of your strengths and values that are uniquely yours and need expression, versus what you have been programmed to believe that you are ‘supposed’ to be and do.

It is the you that flourished, unselfconsciously, in those times in your life when you felt happiest and most fulfilled.

It is the you that existed before and remains when life’s pain, experiences, and expectancies are stripped away.”

- P.C. McGraw from Self Matters: Creating your Life From The Inside Out.

2007 Mondo Beyondo

2007-01-01T02:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a long time since I added to my blog, but here is the 2007 Mondo Beyondo list of stuff that I hope for in the next 12 months and beyond:

- Become a Canadian citizen/Have my visa approved.
- Find a great space in which to live, interact and create.
- Take a photography course and learn to use my camera more creatively.
- Watch plenty of films and documentaries, but less TV.
- Find a new career direction and a path away from the one my career is currently on.
- Re-evaluate my circle of friends - expanding my social circle.
- Visit Japan.
- Listen to 3RRR more than just breakfast time.
- Find that elusive volunteer opportunity for a Social Justice Organization.
- Learn some basic yoga.
- Learn reflexology.
- More time with my sister and brother.
- Touch Uluru with an open hand.
- Sleep under the stars in the desert.
- Work close to where I live.
- Pay more attention to the needs of my mind, body and spirit and do things to nurture them.
- Eat more organic food.
- Spend 1 weekend each month outside of Melbourne.
- Know more about where the food that I eat comes from.
- Help someone make a film.
- Make a fancy dress costume.
- Do 30 special things in October as part of a personal birthday celebration.
- Read 12 interesting books.

Wishes

2006-08-15T04:25:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wish?
Not wishes that spell out our personal disatifaction with life, such as, "I wish I had more money." or "I wish I had a better job", but the kind of wishes that could only come from a shooting star or a magic genie lamp.

I was polishing my tea pot (following a particularly delightful chai) at the grimy work coffee station today. As I restored the shine to the pot, I imagined how it would be if a genie just popped on out of the teapot to grant me wishes three. What would I wish for?

When I was a kid, I wished for a computer game system. It started out as a wish for a Commodore 64, which morphed into Atari, then Amiga, then Sega, until my wish was finally granted (by my own saving of money) and I got myself a brand new Nintendo. I played it non-stop for about two weeks (much to my mother's lament), but after that time, I was over it. Perhaps 6 to 8 years of wishing went into that, and once I had it, I realised it wasn't that great.

My equivalent now, would probably be either a super-fancy Canon Digital Camera, or a piano. The earlier of which, I can see myself tiring of, but the latter, I can see myself becoming completely lost in.

When I was a kid, I sometimes wished for a brother or sister close to my age (I have 3 brothers and a sister, but all are 9 years or more older than me). I never got that wish, but now I see that it wasn't something I truly needed.

I think now, I tend to wish, dream and do. I'm not always sure of what I am wishing for, but I feel drawn to some things, people & places and away from others. I have a strong sense of these things and I follow my instincts more than ever. I know that I need to be more conscious of these subtle guiding forces.

I wish for lasting life energy.
I wish for protection.
I wish for experience.

(oh, and is it too late to wish for World Peace?...damn, already used up my three wishes!)

harlequin dreams

2006-05-27T01:05:00.000-07:00

I dream of surprise lily bouquets and spontaneous weekends away. I dream of drives to country markets, of local produce and fresh air. I dream of nights at the opera and obscure amateur plays. I dream of lingering couch foot-rubs and trashy TV.

I dream of dips in steaming hot springs and walks in the snow. I dream of swims in cold mountain lakes and warm oceans blue. I dream of late night noodle soups and evening wanders on the promenade under azure skies.

I dream of holding your smooth hand, watching fireworks light up the bay. I dream of candlelight singing and tree decorations. I dream of church time together and of tying Omikuji to shrine trees.

I dream of waking next to you, rays of sun light warming our bed. I dream of you placing an arm around me to draw me closer to you as we sleep. I dream of sleepy smiles, gentle kisses and wandering hands.

I dream of weekend mornings with quiet music, fresh coffee and homemade breakfasts eaten on a balcony table for two. I dream of Sunday afternoon glasses of wine and evening martinis. I dream of summer picnics and winter food-fests at home with friends.

I dream of shared works of art and purple feature walls painted by our own hands. I dream of searching stores for furnishings, of choosing things together that will make a house, our home. I dream of a clumsy puppy dog and a lazy cat.

I dream of you and I yearn.

In the Sanctum Beyond My Bedroom Door...

2006-05-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

alive

2006-03-12T18:24:00.000-08:00

I admired this stranger who was feeding sea birds. I could see in her face, a look of absolute child-like delight as the birds rose up to grab a soggy chip in mid-air.

How rare and precious to come across people who are practicing wonder and delight in the everyday? How wonderful it is to find joy in the very simple without any conscious effort?

This moment will never come again. Take joy in moments. Savour each moment like vintage wine on your tongue.

The time I have lived is far less than the number of years that my heart has been beating. The time I have truly been alive probably counts less than a year.

Stop. Observe. Change. Live.

2006-03-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

Who are the people in your neighbourhood?

2006-02-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

They're the people that you meet, as you're walking down the street.
They're the people that you meet each day.

Teetering on the edge...

2006-02-03T14:09:00.000-08:00

He is a wonder.
He makes me smile.
He makes me laugh incredibly hard.
He makes me think outside the confines of my mind.

He makes me cry.
He has a superiority complex.
He thinks he is chocolate, but he's acting like chewing gum.
He makes me question whether he's hanging out with me for me, or to stave off his own feelings of loneliness.

He is spontaneous.
He is mischievous.
He has taste and style.
He is beautiful.

He doesn't respect my opinion.
He questions my intelligence.
He tells me how I need to do things.
He is chasing a dream of how he feels his life should be.
He is searching for something more.

He balances on the line, and I can't bare to think of life without him, nor life with him. Confrontation is imminent.

Wanna know a secret...

2006-01-29T23:24:00.000-08:00

I'm sometimes quite a strange person. That's probably not a shock to people who know me, but it's true.

Sometimes obscure and insignificant things bother me.

For instance, on at least ten occasions in the past two weeks, I have heard different people refer to a common pasta dish as...ahem..."Spag Bog".

For some unknown reason, this term irks me like somebody scraping fingernails down a blackboard.

I cringe. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

I shudder and inside I scream, "IT'S SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE, NOT FUCKING SPAG BOG".

I don't outwardly protest, but I live in fear that they will repeat those words again.

I love Spaghetti Bolognese, but I'm not partial to nicknames that make perfectly good comfort food sound like some kind of cockney pub toilet, that hasn't been cleaned in a month!

And while we're on the topic of nicknames. I also am irked by two monikers that I've been hearing bandied about lately, namely:

Bug-a-Lugs - "Where's Bug-a-Lugs?" I don't know, out lugging bugs? What's that all about?

Losers - There is one guy at my work who makes a point of saying, "Morning Losers" to our team every time he walks by. And every time I hear him, well...if looks could kill...

Today's message from the word of G2C...

STAND UP PEOPLE! SAY NO TO SPAG BOG (AND YES TO PASTA!) AND NO MORE REFERRING TO PEOPLE AS BUG-A-LUGS or LOSERS! Thank you! My rant is complete.

mondo beyondo 2006

2006-01-29T01:18:00.000-08:00

It has taken sometime for me to blog this list of dreams and pseudo-resolutions that I have. I lost the list, so it's only in my head, but here goes:

- To become a Canadian citizen.
- To have a settled space, and buy a piano and immerse myself in music again.
- Make time to be creative for the sake of creativity.
- Upgrade my digital camera, and take a photography course.
- Find multiple creative mentors.
- Let some new people into the middle onion.
- Become friends with an older person, for no other reason than to gain insight into the wisdom of their life lessons and unique perspective of the world.
- To adore my friends in a more tangible way.
- Halve my possessions again.
- Take extended holidays in Japan and Sweden.
- Make more time to be near the sea.
- Resolve the unresolved relationships.
- Listen to Triple J regularly and find a Canadian equivalent.
- Swim in winter.
- Volunteer for a Social Justice Organization.
- Develop an informed opinion on major issues as opposed to one based on snippets from the media by seeking truth.
- Watch less than an hour of Television a week.

family portraits...

2006-01-15T01:56:00.000-08:00

My nephew drew a portrait of me. He entitled the work, "Uncle Tim (with Mutton Chops) in a Thoughtful Mood". I just love it.

My niece proclaimed to me that she wants to be a photographer when she grows up. I told her that perhaps she already is a photographer, handed her my digital camera and told her to take some pictures. We played a game where I gave her a word and told her to go photgraph it. Here is a candid shot that she took of me as part of the game for the word, Beyond.

new year, new blog

2006-01-07T04:18:00.000-08:00

I've decided to change the look of my blog and try my hand at personalising my template. Clearly there are a few teething problems, but it will come together very soon... :)

time and tide

2005-12-18T03:11:00.002-08:00

There was a time when the ebb and flow of tide would never touch you.

Now, it seems that all too often the tide falls suddenly, leaving you feeling vulnerable and exposed. It would seem that you are more comfortable when surrounded by the challenges of mere survival in the tumult of the ocean, because it is then that you seem invincible. Steadfast. Determined.

Hold fast, dear one. Be confident that the tide will return once more to wash around you. Now is the opportunity to find your footing and cast off the salt in your wounds. Know that when the tide is out, it is not the weakness and vulnerability that is revealed, but rather the completeness of your strength.

Who can tell any more?

2005-12-15T03:28:00.000-08:00

Australian?

UnAustralian?

Australian?

UnAustralian?

Australian?

UnAustralian?

Australian?

UnAustralian?

Australian?

UnAustralian?

Australian?

UnAustralian?

Australian?

UnAustralian?

A Small Collection of Melbourne Street Art

2005-12-11T00:39:00.000-08:00

"It appears that we are failing in our battle against vandalism, particularly graffiti." Mayor of the City of Yarra in The Melbourne Times

I've never scrawled on a wall. Never tagged a train. Never carved my initials into a tree trunk. Never stencilled the sidewalk and I don't think I will ever do so.

But there is an abundance of art appearing in our streets that shows real creativity.

Like a clever t-shirt slogan, I think a stencil that might make some people think about something greater or a point of view that differs from their own is hardly wrong.

I love Melbourne culture. The beautiful people vs the bohemians.

Ms Mayor, our city's street art is far more interesting than a blank grey wall. Tackle tagging if you wish, but leave the true artwork alone.

You know it's almost summer...

2005-10-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

Judgement #4758

2005-10-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

ALPHA MALE IN PINK POLO SHIRT = WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING

Don't be fooled.

The time has come to make a difference...

2005-09-13T05:20:00.000-07:00

No work, no welfare, no Medicare ... community-based asylum seekers can't live on oxygen alone.

It's time for the Howard Government to give all community-based asylum seekers work rights and health benefits.

There are people who live within a few blocks of my house who are here in Australia as refugees, whose lives have been so awful that the better option is to live here without any welfare support, medicare access or even the right to work.

Our government provides them with a weekly allowance of $25 which has to cover all their needs. They have to rely on handouts from charity organizations to meet the rest of their needs, or alternatively work illegally with the risk of being deported if caught.

The time has come for me to stop simply talking about the injustice that I am ashamed to see my country openly perpetrating, but it's time to get involved and help make a difference in these people's lives.

Here's somewhere that we can all start...

Click to sign this petition sponsored by Anna Burke MP for the Chisholm Electorate here in Melbourne.

Every cloud...

2005-07-25T03:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all you need is a short walk on a windswept beach, pick up a perfectly white stone in your hand, reconnect and leave your troubles behind.

Irresistible

2005-07-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

I cannot pretend to be everything you want
But I can teach you that I am what you need

Go on, give me a chance
I will give you so much of me in return
I will be your slave

Why don’t you want me?
Is it the way I’ve offered or will you never want me?

For you, I remain, totally 100% resistible

the urge

2005-06-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

In my thoughts, my hands are big enough to go around you. One single hand can reach around your entire body.

In my dark thoughts, I reach my giant hand around you, holding you tight enough to feel you filling with air and exhaling again. Tight enough to feel your pulse. Tight enough to let you know that I am there, and that I am stronger.

In my deep dark thoughts, my giant hand goes around you, holds you tight and stays there. I hold you tight for so long that your impatience to have me gone turns to fidgeting, then frantic twists and turns, but I am stronger. I hold you tight for so long that you once again become calm. Lulled into thinking that I am a Big Friendly Giant. When you acquiesce to my tight grip, I begin to despise you for giving up so easily.

In my deep dark bloody thoughts, my giant hand holds you until I can no longer feel your breathing, until there is no more pulse. Until your skin starts to burst with the pressure I am exerting. I open my giant hand and there you are, limp and broken.

I am She

2005-05-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

Last week, a client delivered to my office a huge box which contained hand made chocolates inside a solid chocolate box. The thank you card which accompanied it had his personal contact details inside....
I was so embarrassed. The whole department ribbed me for the rest of the afternoon.

This morning my sister called to tell me that she was on the train, on her way to my house. The only problem is, I'd left my batter operated man replacement on the bathroom basin. Before I could think clearly I'd blurted out "nooo, you can't. Don't go in the bathroom!" After hanging up the phoned I realised, oh yeah, just go home at lunch time and resolve the situation. So I did.

Bridget Jones, I am She.

Further Reflections

2005-05-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of mirrors hung on the various passages of my life.
I wonder then, how many walls I am hanging on?
I know that it goes both ways. Some people play a part in our lives that we may not like, but when we think about it, we ourselves play that same part in someone else's life.
How often am I this mirror? To whom do I merely reflect enthusiasm, but actually feel none? To cut it short, to bring it down to basics, who am I faking for?

Reflection of Me

2005-05-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

You smile back at me in a way that is familiar
I beam and you beam back
Happiness at my joy
Sorrow at my loss
Such a comfort
Like looking at my reflection

I saw warmth in our relationship
Generosity, kindness
Thoughtfulness, Attention
Beautiful… Beauty

It took me a long time to figure it out
I was so foolish
What I mistook for you reading me so well
Was my own reflection

You are merely a mirror
A two dimensional image
Incapable of contributing independent feelings
Nothing that is not a reflection of my own
Incapable of giving me what I need

Do I need to keep you around?
Cute bevelled edge
Hanging from a decorative chain

What not?
Why not keep you up on the lounge room wall
People do so admire mirrors

Thaw

2005-04-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

Come and provide me with the shelter that I crave
Come and provide me with the warmth I need
Wrap your arms around and around me
Until I can hear your heart beat and feel your pulse

Let me bury my face against your chest
And close my eyes against all the world
Your soft warm hands will block my ears
No more will they fill with screams and cries

Carry me past treachery and danger
Land me in a place that is safe and quiet and calm
Protect me there from relapses of madness
Quell all my fears and keep them at bay

I will let your warmth penetrate me
I will open my heart to your peace
But stay close to me and guide me
As I begin to thaw

The Summons

2005-03-04T20:27:00.000-08:00

Where is it?
Little girl with the soft, blonde, curls
Where is my death?
Where is my carnage?
You promised me both
Promised me a playground of destruction
There would be blood, ripping and tearing of flesh
Screaming and yelling
(and my favourite), begging for mercy

I love it when they beg and plead
They have no idea that there is no going back with me
Once it starts, it doesn’t stop
If you ask me, I will come, but I will not go back
Not until it’s all done and I’ve had my fun

So, precious little girl
Are you just having fun with me?
Did you tempt me with these delightful promises, just to see if I’d come?
Well I’m here, as bad as my word
So now this is your part
Where you begin
Give me the torture, the pain and the death
Give me the bodies of those you despise
Give them to me NOW!

Or I will take yours.

Those soft curls won’t look so pretty
When your lips are blue and not red
Your skin will lose its glow, when it’s turned to marble white

I must have death.
Theirs or yours
I am not fussy
Shall I pour you a bath and fetch some razors?
Or are you getting dressed to head out and start what I really want?

I will remain here, the harsh whisper in your head
Until you have provided me with some blood, some death
An end.

Who cries when a fish dies?

2005-02-22T08:03:00.000-08:00

Pearls of Wisdom

2005-02-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who emails me regarly, and very often keeps me sane. Sometimes her emails contain snippets that are just too good to delete at the end of the day. I have kept a collection of these for a rainy day. Today, it is raining.

Some of these lines are topical, and amuse me greatly becuase I know who she is talking about and why. Others are universal pearls of wisdom.

She has a "refreshingly honest" turn of phrase (and I've turned into an Age reviewer), which brings a smile to my face even on the 5th and 6th read.

Fuck, if I didn’t need the money, I’d leave this god forsaken hell hole

We all resent the real world! Even if we don’t read fantasy novels

Oh fuck off. Don’t be so bloody rational!

Customers take it up the arse

People are stupid

She is the Lion Queen!

She seems to have John wrapped tightly around her not so little finger

She doesn’t give me the impression she gets stupid comment remorse

You should have heard us on Saturday, we should have been stirring a cauldron

From Earth

2005-02-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

A wide gulf
I can no longer hear the rumble of the engine
Or feel the motion of the mechanics
I’m up in the air
The big blue
Silence
Uneasy silence
The inevitable decent

2005-02-06T00:06:00.000-08:00

self portrait

speaking of onions...

2005-02-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

I had a long conversation with a friend who often helps open my eyes when all I can see is the obstacles that I generally build in front of myself.

We talked about the roles that people play in each other lives. My excellent, big-picture friend, likened each person's world to an onion. The layers of the onion are the people in our lives. At the centre of your onion, reside the people who are closest to us, who mean the world to us, and who make the biggest contribution to who we are. There is only a limited amount of space at the centre of our onion (for me, 5 or 6 people), and it is impossible to fit more than the limit in.

Everyone else in your life, makes up the remaining layers of the onion. Some are closer to you, and make a bigger contribution than others. Some are just on the peripheral, outer layers. They may dry up and peel away, no longer playing a role in your life at all. New layers grow in the middle. New people may come into the central core of your life, pushing others out to a less significant role.

This prompted me to think at length about the people in my life. Who is in my inner onion? Who is on the periphery? Something began to make sense. There are people in my life for whom I am at the centre of their onion, even though, they may be on the dried up periphery of mine. Likewise, there are likely to be people close to the centre of my inner onion, for whom I am an outer or middle layer in their onion.

I am concerned about being the inner core of two people in my life, for whom they lie on the very edge of my life. Several times, while I was away, I was concerned about the way these people viewed me. I see now that it is important that I peel these layers away very carefully, for the sake of the other onions.

I also am learning to accept that there is one, perhaps two people in my life, for whom I have drifted toward the outer onion layers. Not through any specific event, but just the natural succession of people in each other's lives.

I am thankful that I have several people in my absolute inner onion right now. I would be delighted if these people remained my inner onion for many years, however I also know that I must remain open to that which grows from within. I am open to accepting the new in my onion, delighting in the constant and letting go of the older layers that need to be set free.

words and accents...

2005-02-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

I apologize if you think it's funny that I offer you candy, I don't have any lollies.
And the pop machine was out of Pepsi, so spare me the harassment about soft drink.
I don't want a new mobile, I really want a cell phone instead.
I will never wear a beanie, but I wouldn't shy away from wearing a toque.
I'd much rather use the washroom, than spend any time in the toilets.
I loved Van-cou-ver, but don't ask me how it was in Van-koo-vuh, because I never went there.
I will admit though that I don't now live in Mel-born, I live in Mel-bun.

the winter of my discount tent...

2005-01-31T02:09:00.000-08:00

life continues swimmingly
in a place you don't want to be
everything comes together
you should be filled with joy
but yearning burns within you
mountains call from afar
other northern places gently whisper your name
it's summer, but I long for spring

Delayed commentary on the Year that Was

2005-01-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

2004 was the best year of my life. I was concerned at the conclusion of it that I would be shutting the door on an old friend, a good and faithful friend. Then I talked myself out of it, no, surely the tick of the clock, the turning from 11.59pm to midnight, could not so wholly change my life. And yet, it seems to have.
What was, what I was hoping was, a fantastic change in my outlook on life, myself, other people and all things around me, turned out to be a year of good luck. It wasn't what I did in 2004 that is important, it's that I felt triumphant.
Reen Dog conquers all!
So here in only the second week back at what in 2004 I called a good job, I feel like the triumph of 2004 is so long gone, much longer than 11 days gone.
I'm taking time out of my menial job to jot down these thoughts about 2005. I worked out that I'm due to retire in 2044. I can't do 39 more years of shit jobs.
2004, where for art thou?

Melbourne Eagerly Awaits

2005-01-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

The entire city of Melbourne and some parts of rural Victoria are eagerly awaiting the return of their favourite son. Timbo has been away for almost an entire year, but for those left behind it has seemed like an eternity. The anticipation is building to fever pitch. The very air temperature has been raised due to the excitement of every man, women and child across the city. It is this phenomenon which is being blamed for the current temperature of 37 degrees.

Although it is know that Timbo will return on Saturday, exact details of his flight are being kept from the media. A spokeswoman for Timbo announced this precautionary step at a press conference recently. She indicated that it was to stop a repeat of the type of scenes that occurred when the Beatles made their one and only visit to Melbourne.

A small entourage of family and friends will be there to welcome him. From there airport he will be driven in style to a reception held in his honour. The spokeswomen has indicated that the media will be allowed to interview Timbo about his triumphs and adventures abroad, at a date yet to be announced.

Packer media have already indicated their interest in obtaining exclusive rights to the story, and Random House have are interested in full length memoirs, but as yet, management for Timbo have not accepted these or any other offers. Needless to say, many people are keen for the story to come out in print, all hoping to own some part of the great adventures of Timbo.

door. slightly ajar. caught in the draught of a new breeze...

2004-12-30T18:50:00.000-08:00

I can feel the doors of Canada starting to close.

It's time for me to leave this life-changing place.

I know that new doors are opening already, but for now I find it difficult to have the grace to allow the ones behind me to close.

A new and exciting journey begins shortly, and I will muster my strength to move my heavy feet forward and let go of that which sets me free.

I love you and I will miss you more than you will ever know.

Waiting in Canada...

2004-12-30T11:03:00.000-08:00

"Write down the words of sadness, Burn them in a cup" - Jann Arden, Waiting In Canada

It seems that a cup would not be enough to contain the sadness I feel today.

I had a vision last night of the earth from space, the white mist of spirits leaving the planet shielding my view. I woke up with tears in my eyes, the reality of the tragedy of the Tsunamis has hit home.

One of the guys who lives in the attached apartment to mine is missing in Thailand. We're all worried, as he was boasting about how he would be sunning it up on a Thai beach while we were stuck in the cold. It never occurred to me until today that he may be there. I called my room-mate, who is very close to him and has heard nothing. Together, with the others upstairs, we wait.

Into the Mondo Beyondo

2004-12-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

My friend introduced me to an awesome blog the other day, which prompted us to create a Mondo Beyondo list, like an uber-new-year's-resolution list.

Here is my list:

- to live in every continent of the world for at least one year;
- to learn to kayak properly and regularly do it;
- to buy a grand piano and develop extraordinary piano playing skills;
- to learn and become super excellent at making resin accessories;
- to become a travel journalist;
- to find an innovative way of helping those in need that inspires the everyday person to be involved;
- to find the "soulmate" who complements who I am and helps me to be everything I'm meant to be (uber-me!);
- to have a space where I can paint the walls purple with an orange feature wall;
- to find a new spiritual connection or have it find me;
- to complete a course in astral projection and astral travel;
- get a 2nd degree;
- learn to live in a more simplified way (de-need myself of things);
- finally become vegetarian;
- feel comfortable about my own body;
- swim in the Atlantic and Indian Oceans;
- see the earth from space;
- read 'War & Peace'; and
- make an effort to go an see more local musicians live (the small, budding ones!).

If I can complete any of these things I will be super proud of myself.

In a different world...

2004-12-26T10:30:00.000-08:00

Everything in this world fills me with wonder.

Snow on a motor mower in a snow covered back yard. A picture of banal urban life with frosting.

I went for a walk with my friend last night. The snowflakes fell down around us, and we made fresh tracks in untouched snow on the ground. It was like one of those television moments where the young, single woman has just had a heart connection with a new beau, and walks home as the snowflakes fall around her...a moment that makes you smile and fills your heart with warmth.

It occurred to me afresh that travel is not so much about the place you go, or the money you pay in the tourist queue, or even the journey itself. It's about wonder in the everyday things, breathing in cold night air, taking a walk and observing everyday life in the suburbs of a city that is not your own. It's about making a heart connection with someone, being invited to participate in someone's life that is different from your own, spending time with other human beings.

When I return home, I want to take wonder in things that I never paid attention to before, about myself, my environment and the world in which I live. I want to make an effort to connect with others and help them see the wonder in their own lives.

There are no empty vessels here, just people who can not see, hear, taste, smell and touch the wonder of their lives.

2004-12-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Day in Australia now, and Christmas Eve here in Calgary.

It is unbelievably fantastic to reconnect with my friend. Instant happiness. Wrapped up in the warmth of the person that she is, hanging out in her room - a space that is all about her, and is a reflection of everything that I adore about her. Everything about this space and moment in time feels awesome!

I spent the morning just hanging out under the warm duvet, listening to music, writing and looking out the window at the snow covered everything. I shared a coffee with my friend's mom, an amazing and interesting woman. We talked of travel, anthropology, life in Calgary, science fiction, filling any tiny moments of awkward silence with banter about the weather.

I woke up several time in teh night and opened the blinds to check that the snow was still there. Even in the dark, everything is bright white and I wonder if this is what Christmas is all about...it certainly feels more like Christmas than anything I have experienced before.

Tonight, we are having a Ukranian Christmas Eve dinner. Cabbage rolls, perogies and I'm told, onions galore! I am too excited for words. YAY!

This week in Reen's World

2004-12-21T21:58:00.000-08:00

I was driving behind a BMW 4WD and the letters on the number plate were TAC, I just wanted to add a 'K' and a 'Y' to the end of it.

I accidentally watched Extreme Makeovers last night. What one women needed, was Extreme Psychological Treatment. She didn't look that bad, had a job and a man that obviously loved and adored her. What more could she want? Apparently had lots of deep scaring from her mother not telling her she was beautiful. Yeah, sorry love, plastic surgery isn't what you needed.

Beer makes you say "Fuck that was nice. Think I'll have more."

The D-Gen Late Show is still funny 12 years later.

Sometimes when you think about people, they do text you. Could it be that they are thinking about you too?

As much as this year has been great, thank fuck it's almost Christmas. Bring it on.

Regrowth from a Brazilian is annoying because you can't scratch it in public.

Bush was Time magazine's man of the year. What the fuck's up with that? Were there no other candidates? Will he have them killed if they didn't name him?

Even though you can't hug and pat them, fish can still be fun.

a song that reflects my mood...

2004-12-18T10:19:00.000-08:00

flawless light in a darkening air
alone...and shining there
love will not elude you
love is simple
i worship this tenacity
and the beautiful struggle we`re in
love will not elude us
love is simple
be sure to know that
all in love
is ours
and love, as a philosophy
is simple
i am calm in oblivion
calm, as i ever have been
love will not elude me
love is simple
be sure to know that
all in love
is ours...
is ours...
that all in love
is ours
and love, as philosophy
is simple...
and ours...

- lang & piltch

a collection of small quotes from everyday people...

2004-12-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

Things that have been said to me this week...

"I am from Columbia. But I don't have any connections, so don't even ask me to get you any drugs." - first coffee date with new friend.

"Go out and get yourself tanked, even though it's Tuesday." - quiet, very private Scottish 60y.o. lady revealing a little glimmer of mischief.

"This is Arial, font size 11. Do you think it would be better if it were font size 10.5? I know that our standard is font size 11, but I think it will work better, as far as readability goes, if we make it 10.5." - my ever so anal and monotonous boss, possibly whom "Office Space" was based on.

"You can get a free meningococcal vaccination at the Pumpjack pub on Davie Street, cos you're gay, right? I saw it on the news." - someone who is trying very hard to connect with me. (Incidentally, I responded, "Jeez, it must have been a slow news day if my sexuality makes the headlines!")

A Rose by any other Name

2004-12-10T15:29:00.000-08:00

Nicknames have always been part of my life. For as long as I can remember, my parents called me by a nickname. I often wondered why they bothered giving me a "proper" name at all.

In some cultures, nicknames are so entrenched that everyone has one. Usually due to a religious or superstitious reason. In some Australian Aboriginal cultures, nicknames are given to people who have the same name as someone who has died, as the names of the dead are forbidden to be spoken.

In western cultures, nicknames have a much less significant meaning. Many names have pet forms which are commonly used and over time have become names in their own right. Other nicknames may be given to people because of a particular physical characteristic. This is particularly evident in Australia, where redheads are called "bluey". Australian culture is also fond of taking one's surname an adding a "y" or "o" sound to the end.

Nicknames can identify you to your close circle of friends and family. They can tie people together, bring back memories, stir emotions.

They can also create a persona to perform with in public, allowing you to keep your private self private.

Nicknames may work for you your entire life, but sometimes sound less cool, less appealing when your death is written about all over the world.

R.I.P. Dimebag Darrell

MELBOURNE TAKES FIRST STEPS TOWARDS BECOMING DARWIN

2004-12-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

In a shock move, the controversial "Darwin-Wannabe Bill" passed through Melbourne City Council yesterday in a close vote that saw the bill passed by only one vote.

The bill, effective immediately, would initiate steps to the city of Melbourne becoming a tropical destination.

"Everyone is always complaining about Melbourne being a cold, wet place," stated one City Councillor.

Premier Bracks, in a late news conference stated that the bill's passing was "A win for Melbourne, a win for tourism, a win those who enjoy wearing hawaiian shirts, and a win for Sydney...oh, actually, forget that last bit."

Citizens noticed immediate changes with the first implementation of changed weather patterns being set up by the Beaureau of Meterology.

"Many people don't realize how advanced our technology has become," said Beaureu spokesperson and former celebrity meteorologist, Rob Gell. "Sure, we had problems predicting the weather, but we decided a different approach, by deciding the weather instead. This bill heralds a coup for our department, as we get to really make a difference," Mr. Gell said.

"Darwin is always so fortunate being 32 degrees with afternoon storms every single day. Melbourne will now have that same level of predictability." said an excited Melbourne based weather enthusiast and storm chaser. "Although they will need to raise the temperature a little before we can truly be like Darwin."

Insurance companies welcomed the news with some caution. "This move means inevitably more revenues for us, however we are concerned that we do not have sufficient loopholes in our policies in order to minimize payouts to those suffering storm damage." said one large insurance company agent. "We are confident that we can revise these policies as soon as possible to ensure minimal convenience to our customers."

Farmer's lobby groups slammed the move, stating that once again the government had forgotten their rural counterparts. "It's too wet and dry for Victorian Farmers. But once again our complaints have fallen on deaf ears, down on Spring Street."

The Liberal government plans to appeal, asking that we return to the weather experienced in teh 1950's. Prime Minister John Howard is expected to weigh in to the debate, later today.

wisdom from the washroom...

2004-12-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

Scrawled on the door of a Seattle diner washroom...

"Making today awful, so that tomorrow seems better."

a brief history of fear...

2004-11-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

A short time back, a friend postulated that most people live their lives in fear, meaning that the driving factor behind most people's actions and decisions is the things that they fear. This prompted me to investigate the evolution of fear in my own life...

1980 - A wolf/man-like figure who, in recurring vivid dreams, would chase me in a UFO across fields in the dark.

1981 - The man outside the window, watching. The parents who didn't believe my brother and I.

1982 - Three weeks with a seemingly-wicked but well meaning aunt who tried to teach me manners, enunciation and etiquette only found in English manors and boarding houses.

1983 - Living without my parents for the first time, shifting around from baby-sitting family to family, and different schools for extremely short periods of time.

1984 - Not being able to make my mother's grief go away.

1985 - More of same.

1986 - The man in the Wendouree Village Shopping Mall washroom, thwarted only by the entrance of another man.

1987 - First awareness of sexuality.

1988 - Best friend moves away and the sense of being alone. First sexual experience with same gender - fear of what that meant.

1989 - Having to choose a new school.

1990 - New school. The 1.5 hour bus trip each way with Damian Fitzgerald and the Sinnott Boys, daily fear. Fear of Physical Education class!

1991 - Alienation at school. Brief expulsion to the "Smoker's Corner".

1992 - Fear of hellfire and brimstone for feelings of same-gender lust.

1993 - More of same. Fear of what the church and bible say about it all. Fear of anyone finding out.

1994 - First sexual experience with a woman, almost getting caught by her Dad, more hellfire & brimstone fears.

1995 - Being uncontrollably sick, having final exams, being hospitalized, feeling like my whole future is over. Not wanting to break the heart of or become distant from one of the greatest people who ever lived.

1996 - Starting university. First adventures on Melbourne gay scene. Fear of accepting myself. Fear of the wrath of God.

1997 - Being unable to "save" my schizophrenic, manic-depressive friend. Fear of falling to pieces myself in the process of "saving" someone else.

1998 - Finishing university, no experience = no job.

2000 - Moving to Sydney. Fear of making the wrong decision, fear of change.

2001 - Realizing that I have to leave my partner because he is a jerk. Brief exile to Traralgon. Learning to be alone again. All things September 11.

2004 - Leaving for Canada. The prospect of returning to Australia. Fear of settling back into the same box, fear of others expectations that I will do the same.

Its strange that when I take account of fear, just how enormous the role is that it plays in my life. How does one go about dealing with fears? How do you identify fear as a motivating factor and deal with it so that it doesn't control your life?

Its disturbing, not only to look at the role of fear in my life, but to consider the way it works in others and for the way in which they respond to it, often controlled by their own fear.

I am left with one circling thought...is it possible to fear fear? Certainly it must be, didn't someone famous in history say that the only thing to fear, was fear itself?

Hmmmm...If you can control fear, you've won the game!

Morning Coffee

2004-11-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

I'll have a flat white with two sugars,
and my friend here will have a large double double.

A pocketful of hands...

2004-11-18T13:38:00.000-08:00

As I wandered through chilly downtown Vancouver today, I noticed that I was walking along with one hand in my pocket, while my other hand was out in the cold.

This prompted me to do a brief survey of other people walking around, which is not an unusual activity for me!

Some observations:

- 99% of men had their hands in their pockets, and always their trouser pockets. Actually I only saw 1 man with his hands exposed, and he was carrying a box.

- Of the pocket dwelling men, around 90% had only one hand in a pocket, with the other exposed to the cold. What's up with that? Is one warm hand enough? Why must the other hand suffer while the other relaxes and probably takes a nap in the cosy trouser cavern?

- Only one woman had her hands in her pockets, and even then it was in her all-consuming puffy down jacket. Why is it that women do not put their hands in their pockets? My guess, most women's clothing does not provide the functionality of pockets, therefore even those who have pockets would not use them for the purpose of attached mittens.

Who I say I am

2004-11-17T19:16:00.000-08:00

I am exactly who I say I am
When you listen carefully

You pricked up your ears, heard something
But didn’t wait around for the full story

Conclusions were jumped to
Presumptions were made

Then you had the nerve to accuse me of misrepresenting myself

Ah, The Opera

2004-11-10T23:45:00.000-08:00

Ah, the opera! I love to sit back at the opera and play my two favourite games: Celebrity Spotting and Pashmina Count.
Tonight, there were approximately 3, 673 pashminas, shawls and wraps.
I spied cousin Barry Jones and I think Brian Toldme, or was it Mal Walden. I’m not sure. One of those older news readers from a station that I obviously don’t watch much.

The worst part about the opera is how slow the crowds move. But it’s understandable when you consider the average age of the audience.

I am comfortable going to a performance on my own, I just don’t like it when well-meaning people sit next to me and talk to me during interval. What I really don’t like about this is that they asked me questions about the opera and no matter what answer I give, I cannot make myself sound more cultured. I’m just an uneducated girl from small town Victoria.

Tonight’s effort was a couple to my right who asked what I thought of the show. To form the reply I drew on my extensive vocabulary of adjectives and said “it’s good, really good.” However, they were not to be deterred, they ploughed on, “do you know anyone in the show?” I repressed the immediate urge to say, fuck no, and said no, but taking their lead, asked them the same. Well, of course. Their daughter is the stage manager, their son-in-law in the chorus and the best man of the son-in-law also in the chorus. Naturally!

a small collection of other's words...

2004-11-09T13:23:00.000-08:00

Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life. ~brian andreas~

I know that you and I are both this angel to people. And gratefully, to each other too!!~the greatest canadian

when people say "how cute" i just say "yeah, she is" - i've checked and apparently it's fine to not be modest about your kid. ~lesbian mum

i don't think you are ready for home yet, or vice versa. unless you have some grand plan i don't know about. don't give me the "i'll come home , save money and go back again" line. never happens. ~honest friend

I can't convince her to leave him. I haven't told her but after I ring them she's gonna hate me. ~angel sister

I was debating over something the other day, but it did contain a mention of feminine bleeding, and thought perhaps you woudn't appreciate it. ~considerate best friend

2004-11-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

"The U.S. election is so important (for Australia) simply because, unlike the Australian election, the U.S. election decides who will lead our country for the next four years." - Wil Anderson

Past Affections

2004-11-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

Playing this CD reminds me of when we saw this band live. Together. You drove your 180B, I bought you an orange juice and a beer for myself. You couldn’t have guessed then how much I loved you.
I was shy as I handed you the poem I had written for you, about you. You were touched. You pinned it to your wall. You didn’t think I was a dickhead! I was ecstatic. But really, secretly, I wanted more. I wanted you to read more into the words, in between the lines. I wanted you to see what I was really giving you. Me. My heart, all of me. You didn’t give me any signals, non signs. I figured I wasn’t your type and didn’t pursue you any further.
Now, years later, when I think about you, I wonder, did I not try hard enough? Should I have made myself more obvious? Or would I have just made a fool of myself?
Thinking about it won’t change anything.
Playing this CD reminds me of you.

Inventory of You

2004-11-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

3 coat hangers,
a can of deodorant,
several rolls of wrapping paper,
plastic bags.
This is what is left of you.

Not your scent, not a scribble by the telephone.
Impersonal, solid, hard objects.
I want to pull back the covers on the bed and find you hiding there.
I want to find a note under the pillow, “good bye, I love you,” it would say.

America...

2004-11-03T20:55:00.000-08:00

what have you done?

Oh, for a refreshing cylinder...

2004-10-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Everyday I sit,
in front of a box,
inside a box,
inside a bigger box,
inside an even bigger box.

To get to my box everday,
I rise from my box,
Bathe in a box, then
I leave my night box,
ride inside a box,
take a short walk through the other boxes,
enter the bigger box,
ride the vertical box,
and then walk through the big box,
where I can wallow in the comfort of my box.

From within my box, I spend the hours trying to think outside the box.

Don't try to put me in a box, because I just won't fit.
But leave me be, and I'll probably end up there anyway.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, box to box.

The tedium.

A Love Story

2004-10-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

Silhouetted in the light from the bathroom window
His bulk is framed by my bedroom door
Looming figure
Dark, indistinguishable features

Inspiring fear in me
I must not let him win!
“Oh, it’s you”
I try to sound casual
“What do you want?”

“You know why I’m here”
Expressionless, matter of fact
He takes a step forward, into my room
I force myself to look at him,
My body ridged, cold sweat

I close my eyes and swallow
I try to think,
but can remember nothing from before the time he entered my room

Warm, hot, gentle fingers
Tracing the outline of my face
Brushing away the hairs clinging to the damp of my skin
Burning lips pressed lightly, momentarily against my forehead

Anticipation fills the air for what seems an eternity,
but must only be a few seconds

I hear the swoosh of the heavy object in his hand

And now, there is Nothing.

the reality of the corporate world...

2004-10-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

Why must we play this crazy game?

A beautiful 58 year-old lady was made redundant today.
28 years she worked for the same company. Somewhat shy and a little eccentric, but oh so dedicated, despite being virtually ignored by the corporate fat cats, who "run" the company by spending afternoons on the golf course.

It seems that it never occurred to anyone that it would be difficult for this woman to find another job, especially after being loyal to one company for so long...and particularly after having her self-esteem, and trust squashed beyond recognition.

These same people who, in one breath were explaining to her that it was necessary because of "cut-backs", were, in the very next breath, asking us to organize a lunch for some hob-nob 2010 Olympics person, we are trying to schmooze. "Order something nice, perhaps a decent bottle of wine as well."

This place boasts about the sense of family in the company. About how the people pull together in a time of crisis. It's all lies.

I've always had major issues when these kind of things happen and I've always been up front in asking "WHY?"....the responses never vary:

"That's the reality of the coporate world! You have to learn to accept that!"
"It all comes down to money. If someone isn't proving their value, then out they go."

Again, I ask "WHY?"

Why must that be the reality?
Why is every business too gutless to change the "reality"?
Why does everyone claim to feel sad, but no-one with any power is willing to stand up and say, "This is not right!"

I WILL NEVER BE A PART OF THIS CORPORATE REALITY. I will never accept that this is the way it has to be. I will never cease to value a person on who they are, rather than by measuring them in financial terms.

I hear some say that this attitude means that I will never be succesful in the corporate world without changing my view. I can't understand why anyone would want to be successful in the kind of corporate world....oh yes, MONEY!

I admire Ms. B. She made me laugh with her wicked sense of humour.
She shared an office with two of the bitchiest, cattiest, low-self-esteem, must-prove-my-value-to-anyone-who-will-look-my-way middle-aged women I have ever met. She even had industrial ear-muffs which she would put on at times to just block them out. If she hasn't packed them, I'd like them so that I too can close off those repugnant bosses who complain because they get stuck in traffic, travelling from their luxurious West Vancouver homes.

Ms. B., I can only imagine how it must feel. I wish for you, that you are able to focus on this experience, not so much as betrayal, but as dumping those bastards off your back and regaining your freedom from the reality of the corporate world.

Everyone is capable of driving change...its just a matter of enough of us standing up and saying, "No, this kind of behaviour is unacceptable." It's the whole point of a union...to reality check the corporate world.

Well Done

2004-10-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

I've watched you
I've copied you
But I still can't cook steak like you

I have tried to get that nice pink colour in the middle
But all I end up with is "well done"

Well done, in the Garkiest manner
For ability to cook good steak
I miss it

non-locals need not apply...

2004-10-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

I had an awesome conversation with a Vancouver friend today.

She had noted that I was the only friend she has, who did not grow up in Vancouver.
Furthermore, she expressed that it seems that Vancouver people in general, only hang out with Vancouver people...and that people who are from elsewhere (be it elsewhere in Canada, or overseas) tend to hang out with each other also, not with Vancouver born people.

This prompted me to do a mini-survey of all the people I have gotten to know since being here in Vancouver.

To qualify for counting in the survey, I need to have seen them on a social basis more than three times and have spent a decent amount of time (more than two hours) with them, by my own choice.

My personal tally (like the Olympic medal tally):

Japan 7
Calgary 3
Edmonton 2
Winnipeg 2
Halifax 2
Korea 2
Regina 1
Toronto 1
India 1
Phillipines 1
Vancouver 1
Unsure 1
Australia 0 (HA!)

To further investigate the matter, I did a survey of several people who I was in contact with today, all of whom did not grow up here. Of a total of six people I surveyed, only one had a close friend from Vancouver.

I am not done investigating this yet, but it is a little alarming that there seems to be two defined cultures in this city based on where you are from, and perhaps the two don't mix.

If I am completely wrong on this, please comment, because I'd love to know.

Vancouver people are very friendly, in that you can always find someone to help you out with directions, or start up mini-conversations with strangers, but long term aquaintences they are not...

Is it the same everywhere in the world?

Stolen from an email

2004-10-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

Australia's National Anthem as of 10 October 2004

Australians all let us rejoice,
For we have tasted greed;
Our interest rates mean more to us,
Than mere humanity;
Our land abounds with credit cards
And John Howard took us there;
Don't stop to count as your debts mount,
Advance Australia fair!

Don't stop to count as your debts mount,
"Advance Australia fair!"

While refugees from terror sail'd,
To trace wide oceans o'er,
To Iraq with Little John we went,
To start a bloody war.
The sick, the old have all been sold,
Our children's future care;
They're all worth nowt, so rise and shout,
Advance Australia fair!

They're all worth nowt, so rise and shout,
"Advance Australia fair!"

let the rain come down...

2004-10-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

When I stepped outside this morning, there was snow on the mountains that watch over Vancouver from the north.

I was in awe and it hit me afresh once again that I am indeed in Canada.

I've been in an introspective space over the past few days. It's not a feeling I particularly enjoy, but I know myself well enough that, within a few weeks, I will once again be inspired with positivity.

I remember the very moment that I decided to come here. It was like a cloud blew away that had been making my mind foggy with the stagnation and apathy that was plaguing my life. I sat by the ocean that morning, and I knew that Canada was where I was meant to go. My friends are bored with my account of the whales that surfaced in the ocean in front of me at that moment, but I know with all my being that they did so to confirm for me that which I was meant to do. It was like they were celebrating with me, for finding a fresh perspective on my own world.

I could use a moment like that right now.

There are numerous ideas in my head of my next destination...

Stockholm?
Kyushu?
Okinawa?
Hokkaido?
Reyjavik?
Tasmania?

I'd like to spend a year in a major city on every continent of the world.

I hate that the barrier to me fulfilling this dream is the need for money and meeting all the red-tape requirements. Money for a visa. Money to apply for a visa. Money for travel insurance. Money. Money. Money. Say it with me people... MONEY!

It's not that I expect to travel and live like a king, because my most memorable and rewarding travel experiences have been those that have had the lowest budgets and have stretched my person outside of my circle of comfort.

Who would ever imagine that I, Captain-Ultra-Play-It-Safe would even consider hitching as a legitimate way to get around? And yet this simple activity of opportunistic travel proves to me beyond any doubt that most people are inherently good, kind, trustworthy and generous. We just need to believe that people are, in order to provide them with permission to be that way. (And sure, a few people are not so great, but inevitably, they always have a reason for being that way.)

At the same time, simple travel has proven to me that most people are apathetic about their own lives, just drifting as their world takes them, or chasing after material things...houses, food, cars, money and items of status that make people perceive them as successful.

I don't know what lies around my next corner. It's actually quite exciting and probably fortuitous that I can't stay here in Canada...simply because it is the universe forcing me to take the next steps, stopping me from falling into a state of apathy, stopping me from jumping on the career/money bandwagon that is just not for me.

Right now, I wish for myself, a whale or two, and a cold breeze to blow in my face, to sweep away the fog and make my direction clear.

Just the way we like it

2004-10-20T01:42:00.000-07:00

The want
The need
The desire
The craving
The longing

For money
For friends
For sex
For possessions
For status

The disappointment

a three-quarters empty glass?

2004-10-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

There are only three months left until I have to leave this amazing and wonderful place. That's a quarter of the year for which my visa allows.

I desperately want to stay.

I went to see my pimp the other day, at the temp company. The lovely, ever so schmarmy Rob, film star extrordinaire...you might remember him as the zany, eerie rabbi from the x-files. He told me that if I was to be sponsored to stay by the company I'm temping for, they'd need to pay the temp company their cut for me getting hired permanently. The pimp won't help me stay, even though I've been making him loads of cash all year, and in fact creates himself as another obstacle for me staying here.

It all should be so easy, but it's not.

So I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I will have to go back to OZ..."there's no place like home!"

Despite being a friend of Dorothy, I have to disagree with her. Why would you not want to stay in the Emerald City? Why go back to a place where there is little for you?

My glass is three-quarters empty today. I hope tomorrow it is one-quarter full.

cos it makes me feel good...

2004-10-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

"Can you hear me,
Talking in my mind.
I can feel you,
You're with me all the time.

Everytime I close my eyes,
I see your face.
There's a warm sky,
covering the night.
In the darkness,
I only feel the light.
Everytime I close my eyes,
I see your face.

When I'm lonely,
your voice is in my head.
And my memory feeds my soul,
with all the things you've said.
Everytime I close my eyes,
I see your face."
-Lustral

My Country

2004-10-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

I hate the sunburn in this country
But the weather is just one thing I’d change
I hate what’s happening to this country
I’d change the politics and politicians
I’d change stupid redneck opinions
I resent the crappy public transport system
I’d change that too
I hate the waste when our resources are so few and precious
I hate the cringe factor of seeing other Aussies being so “Aussie” in other cultures

But 5 Qantas jumbo jets, stationary on the tarmac at LAX made me smile
Made a wave of comfort of the familiar sweep over me.
As amazing as thousand year old buildings are,
As beautiful as mountain peaks and rivers formed from melted snow are
This place, this country has something that I can find no where else
Put simply, it’s my home
It is familiar, but that’s not always bad

Australia is the comfortable feeling of sliding into my very own bed after travelling for a day and a half
Australia is where my very own piece of quiet solitude is
Australia is people understanding my accent
Australia is like going home to your family;
You may not necessarily like everything about it, but it somehow feels right.

This wide brown land for me!
My country

thanksgiving mantra

2004-10-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for I am alive
I am thankful for I am in Canada
I am thankful for I can see, touch, breathe, smell and taste

I am thankful for great people in my life
I am thankful for my true friends
I am thankful for a family that loves me

I am thankful for I have always had plenty
I am thankful for I have loved and been loved
I am thankful for I am me

I am thankful for I have been able to learn from my mistakes
I am thankful for the sea and the ocean, my solace
I am thankful for honey and lemons

I am thankful for the feeling that green grass under my body gives me
I am thankful for the feeling of sunshine on my skin
I am thankful for the color of the sky as the sun goes down

I am thankful for having the means to travel
I am thankful for every experience I have had
I am thankful for people that challenge me and the way I think

I am thankful for being able to read and write
I am thankful for the internet
I am thankful for music

I am thankful for people who question
I am thankful for change
I am thankful for not knowing what tomorrow brings

I am thankful

5:13 pm eyes...

2004-09-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

eyes meet...across a peak commuter train

eyes connect...a rarity in Vancouver

eyes smile...followed by the mouth

eyes glance away...it's forbidden here

eyes move back to peek...that didn't just happen

eyes meet again...he's peeking back

eyes get closer...the train is crowding

eyes lock...smiles rise again

eyes close seductively...eye want you

eyes reveal hearts...eye love you

eyes open wider...his hand brushed mine

eyes smile again...hands brush again

eyes look pained...can't break the silence

eyes smile longingly...this is my stop

eyes say "don't go!"...eye step off the train

eyes say "bye"...eye look back as the doors close

eyes watch as the train departs...two folorn faces

eye miss you...are you still thinking of me too?

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow....

2004-09-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

YOU'RE ONLY A DAY AWAY!!!!

REEN DOG WORLD TOUR 2004 WOWS CROWDS IN SINGAPORE!

2004-09-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

Singapore. She is known as a world-class act, with her own unique brand of rock 'n roll. The eagerly anticipated Reen Dog World Tour 2004 kicked off yesterday in Singapore.

Fans lined up for hours at Singapore Changi Airport just to catch a glimpse of the reclusive rocker as she slipped into the hub of Asia. Rumours abounded on local radio that she had been spotted travelling on Singapore's Public Transport System, unaccompanied by her usual entourage of security staff.

"I was just taking the bus home from working the night shift, and I saw her just sitting there, looking out the window at the world passing by. I couldn't believe my eyes," said one commuter.

At a later in-store appearance, Reen Dog browsed for souvenirs and mingled with speechless fans before heading back to her hotel room to prepare for last night's show.

Singapore stadium was packed well before the show start time of 7:30pm. The crowd roared for over two minutes as the lights went down and Reen Dog's band took to the stage. Opening with a long drum solo, Kirk Bretner showed the crowd why he had been hired, after the shock firing of former drummer, Brett Kirkner earlier this year.

Bass guitarist, Funk Jones, took to the stage followed closely by lead guitarist, Jack "Lix" Tyler with a driving solo, combining their effortless skill.

The loudest cheers were reserved for Reen Dog herself, who took to the stage in ripped jeans and a black and silver leather jacket (trademarked by her film clip for her world wide smash, "Blaze of Unforgiven"). Taking the crowd on a 2-hour rollercoaster ride through the hits and showcasing songs from her forthcoming album, A Dog For All Seasons , the crowd could do naught but rock it and cry out for more.

"If this show is anything to go by, Reen is one of today's premier rock acts, bound to rock the world even more so in future. Look out England! Look out Canada! The Reen Dog invasion is imminent!" exclaimed Singapore's excitable celebrity rock guru, Sammi K. Singh.

Fans in Vancouver eagerly anticipate Reen Dog's first appearance in that city later this month. "I already bought the world tour t-shirt on the internet, so I could be ready for her arrival. She is my hero. I feel like I know her so well," said one excited fan. "I was into her music before she became a famous superstar. I have all her albums including a rare Cobden-only release of her early cover of 'We gotta get out of this place' on cassingle."

Reen plays several shows in London in the coming days.

Step 1

2004-09-15T18:40:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am in Singapore, my first step in the journey to Canada and my much missed friend. I am using the resources of a friend's office to write this blog, I figure using work time to do personal things works for my in Melbourne, so why not here!!

Singapore weather controllers have been kind enough to drop their temperature to 28, just for me! So far, in terms of landing in a new country and using their public transport system, Singapore gets the big thumbs up. Yep, absolutely tops. Who could believe that a little Cobbers girl could make her way from Melbourne to a office somewhere in downtown Singapore all by herself? Or am I the only one surprised by the feat? Comfortable, clean, efficient, cheap, well sign posted public transport, what more could a Cobberite need to get around?
But then again, I am just at the beginning of my journey, who knows what tomorrow may bring - good things I hope.

On the verge

2004-09-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

It's 6.50am, I shall be leaving for the airport soon. I cannot begin to describe the anticipation. My neighbours, I'm sure, can hear me rubbing my hands together in excitment at regular intervals. Indeed, I have to stop typing every now and then to indulge the need.
I'm on the verge of leaving this country (temporarily), this place where todays weather is tipped for 15 and rain (it's Spring here, let's not forget).
Only 4 more plane rides until I reach Canada, hmmm that hardly brings it closer.
Wish me luck as your wave me good-bye.

Why Travel?

2004-09-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

With only 2 more days before I begin my little expidition, I find myself asking, why travel? And why do I ask this question? Why travel, when you can walk to your local shops and see such interesting sights as a man walking along, smoking a pipe. Yep, that's what I said, a pipe. I mean, I've seen people smoking cigarettes in public, and less commonly joints, and even less commonly cigars, but never a pipe. He wasn't wearing slippers either. Or is it just legend that puts pipe smoking and slippers together? In fact, he was dressed rather more like he should have been smoking Winnie Blues.
I think I need to let Lonely Planet know. It certainly belongs in a tourist guide, "... and walking through the streets of suburban Melbourne, don't be surprised if you see people smoking pipes..."
All too late, for I was surprised!

the power of goodbye...

2004-09-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

I just said goodbye to a close Vancouver friend who is moving to Calgary.

It's got me thinking about goodbyes and what they mean to me.

Goodbyes where I am the one leaving are generally not difficult. Coming to Canada was a relatively easy goodbye. It enabled me to leave a relatively short-term relationship that was stifling me, and all my friends were like, "Go for it. Yay for you".

There was a time when I said goodbye from Melbourne, when I was bound for Sydney to live for a time, all my belongings packed up in the back of the car. That was a tough goodbye. I remember crying for the first 3 hours of the trip to the state border. I remember the look on my friend's face as we drove off, both of us in tears. A sense of loss.

For some reason, the feeling I have today, saying goodbye to my friend as she leaves is strangely reminiscent of that day I left Melbourne for Sydney. I feel like my heart has been torn out. It would be selfish to beg someone to stay when the essence of their being is drawing them to another place. To another world.

I know how it feels to be in a place that you don't belong, to have another place calling you near. I had that feeling before I came to Canada. From the moment I had the first thought of traveling to Canada, I knew that it was where I was meant to be. At least for this period of time. I remember an overwhelming sense of making the right decision to go to Canada as I sat by the ocean in Australia. It was after-all, confirmed by a pod of whales that appeared in the ocean at the very moment of my Canadian inspiration. I think my friend has had a similar experience in confirmation.

We had lunch just now. I could think of nothing to say, except "Don't go." I tried my earnest to be happy, to not make it a big good-bye, but a "See you soon" moment. To make it a "Good for you. Yay for you. I am so happy that you are following your heart and your dreams." This is all true.
I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of a "Don't go." so there is no way I would say that.
The reality is that I am only here for a few more months and then I leave Vancouver too.

So now I am filled with self-analysis. Why do I have these moments of extreme clingyness? Does everyone experience these kinds of feelings? As someone who regularly says good-bye to others as I leave places, why do I have so much trouble letting others go from my world? How selfish of me to be okay with goodbyes on my terms, but feel so gutted with goodbyes on others terms?

Perhaps it's because many people come into my world, but so few are truly inspirational people. The friends in my inner sanctum are these kinds of people. The kind of people who give me far more than I could ever give them. The kind of people who cheer me on, when I go off on my crazy whims. The kind of people I can reveal deep and inner thoughts to without any reservation, as though I were just discussing the weather or what I'd like for dinner. The kind of people who make me a better person.

I am so lucky to have so many people in my world who I can call good friends.

I hate goodbyes. But it will be okay tomorrow. Or the next day. Certainly by the one after that.
I hope.

13 sleeps to go....

Emotional Baggage

2004-09-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

Stealing time from work I sit here making my first blog. Not long to go for me before I set out on my "big adventure", hoping like hell it's not just a big flop.

I can't wait to get to Van to see my special little guy. Perhaps I am having a little buyers regret about the first half of my trip. Nah, I'll love that too. I just wish I had more time and money to stay longer in Canada.

Anxiety level is getting pretty high as I struggle to make sure I have everything finished off at work, as well as all of the things I need to organise for the trip. What I am talking about, my anxiety level is usually pretty high.

I bought new luggage for my trip. It has a zip all the way down the lining. I'm not sure why, this pocket isn't lined or anything. Perhaps it's where you are supposed to store your emotional baggage. I was hoping to leave mine in Melbourne. I must remember to keep that zip up tight while I'm packing.

15 sleeps to go...

2004-09-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

What can you do to express the excitement, when there are only 15 sleeps to go?
15 sleeps until you're reunited with your nearest and dearest friend in the world.
When there are only 15 sleeps until you can show her the world that has made you so happy to be alive.

How do you make 15 sleeps go faster? I could go to sleep now at 6pm, but what if I woke up at 1am? Would that add an extra sleep to the count if I couldn't get back to sleep until 3am?
It would just prolong the wait.

I love Vancouver. I love Canada. I love my friend.

I will be so happy when I can combine all three!